I don't understand sometimes
Am I wrong?
I admit when I am and even then
I am ridiculed and scored
She who birthed me doesn't even understand
She says it's me, and I should be the bigger woman
If only they could see what the others see
Those who barely know me see the light that radiates from the deep
It is only those who say they love me, stand behind and even beside me
Who miss what God has placed within me
Forgive me
Maybe I am upset because of past wrongs
Maybe hurts with myself for letting it go on so long
But they are the reason I altered this piece of me
Tried so hard to change the heart of me
But it's hard for me
When even then
They barely are for me
I wish I could say that I wasn't angry, but I cannot. I wish I could say that I'm learning a lesson from it, but I cannot. I definitely want to love them and somewhere deep I do. However, right now it's so hard to do that. After 20 plus years of ridicule, verbal abuse and mental degredation I wish that someone would see how deeply I've been hurt by their words. They have said so many things to hinder my progression and stunt my growth. They have yet to understand the power God has placed over my life. And I'm arrogant for knowing so.
I'm hurt. I want them to accept me. See me as beautiful as other people do. Appreciate me for who I am. I want them to love me, truly. I feel like an outsider, almost foreign. I wonder, often, if this is where I belong. Why am I so different, I want to ask. But I dare not I know I'm made that way for a purpose. I know things will get better and I do not have to deal with those who hurt me because God will deal with them.
I love me. Or at least learning to. I wish they would see that life is bigger than Gadsden, more beautiful than what they have seen and offers more than they've ever experienced.
God, thank you for making me different.
:-) Trying to smile through it all.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
It's My Me...
Been over it 100 times in my head and I've realized, it's me.
I'm not where I want to be because of reasons I cannot control.
I don't get the attention I want and there is nothing I can do.
It's me.
Not the me that I have jurisdiction over, but the me I did not make.
So, I've been sitting around wondering why my myspace plays are only like 22 a day when others have 1,000 a day. 1. Maybe they perform more 2. They are beautiful.
Living in a superficial society, I know that I'm not beautiful. Talented, maybe, but beautiful I am not. But I can't control that and it's killing me. Trust me, I want to be beautiful, but I can't change my face.
This is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm going to deal with it. Hopefully, I'll make it on my talent alone.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but those are lies.
They only like what they can see with their eyes.
They deny their minds and let these two portals rule.
It is the weirdest thing to see and I watch as they do.
Whitney
I'm not where I want to be because of reasons I cannot control.
I don't get the attention I want and there is nothing I can do.
It's me.
Not the me that I have jurisdiction over, but the me I did not make.
So, I've been sitting around wondering why my myspace plays are only like 22 a day when others have 1,000 a day. 1. Maybe they perform more 2. They are beautiful.
Living in a superficial society, I know that I'm not beautiful. Talented, maybe, but beautiful I am not. But I can't control that and it's killing me. Trust me, I want to be beautiful, but I can't change my face.
This is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm going to deal with it. Hopefully, I'll make it on my talent alone.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but those are lies.
They only like what they can see with their eyes.
They deny their minds and let these two portals rule.
It is the weirdest thing to see and I watch as they do.
Whitney
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Whisper
No...there are reasons
Just because we miss them
Doesn't mean they never existed
There are reasons
I hear them sometimes
Sometimes I miss them
But there are reasons
Let me say this. Whitney is a rollercoaster ride all in herself. Sometimes I'm up and, of course, sometimes I'm down. I've learned, however, that I have to find some satisfaction in me. I've got to stop looking at myself through the eyes of the norm and look at myself for who I am.
You know, it's funny. I like this guy and I really thought he liked me, too. But everytime he sees a picture of a friend of mine he quickly begans to ask about her. Then he tells me the type of girl he likes...nothing like me. So, I get it. But still wonder what's his point in flirting with me continuously. Whatever--guys are strange.
But I won't let him or all the other guys who've ignored me for the last 21 years discourage me. A guy told me today that I seemed really down to earth and shouldnt let a few guys make me think bad about the rest of them. He's right. And I keep giving chances. I keep trying to say each guy is different, but I get proved wrong time and time again. Yet, I won't stop hoping. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Well, I just wanted to write today. I've to start doing this everyday! I need to get some things off of this chest and out of this heart and head. I need to get focused and I need to do what's best for me! This is my life.
And I don't know if I told you, this is not homework. Life, is the test.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Just because we miss them
Doesn't mean they never existed
There are reasons
I hear them sometimes
Sometimes I miss them
But there are reasons
Let me say this. Whitney is a rollercoaster ride all in herself. Sometimes I'm up and, of course, sometimes I'm down. I've learned, however, that I have to find some satisfaction in me. I've got to stop looking at myself through the eyes of the norm and look at myself for who I am.
You know, it's funny. I like this guy and I really thought he liked me, too. But everytime he sees a picture of a friend of mine he quickly begans to ask about her. Then he tells me the type of girl he likes...nothing like me. So, I get it. But still wonder what's his point in flirting with me continuously. Whatever--guys are strange.
But I won't let him or all the other guys who've ignored me for the last 21 years discourage me. A guy told me today that I seemed really down to earth and shouldnt let a few guys make me think bad about the rest of them. He's right. And I keep giving chances. I keep trying to say each guy is different, but I get proved wrong time and time again. Yet, I won't stop hoping. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Well, I just wanted to write today. I've to start doing this everyday! I need to get some things off of this chest and out of this heart and head. I need to get focused and I need to do what's best for me! This is my life.
And I don't know if I told you, this is not homework. Life, is the test.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Friday, May 16, 2008
It's Almost Here
Well maybe this is safer than holding on
Maybe I'm better with me than with you
I loved you for so long that I forgot how to love myself
Thank you God for opening my eyes
I though I was blind.
Nobody has to prove anything to me. I get it. I've been unhappy for so long and now I'm finally finding peace within. I've seen that life is more than being popular, getting the guy and saying you were a part of something. It's more than pretending that you're happy. It's really possible to be happy.
I don't have a boyfriend and honestly I haven't ever REALLY had one. I think that is something that can make you feel like you're less than a person sometimes, until you realize that you're ok without someone else to latch on to. I've realized it's ok to find out how happy you are and can be alone before you find someone else to add to this happiness. It's just taking me a while to get there.
My music career is taking off, but not as fast as I want it to. But I've decided that it's mostly my fault. I have to put forth all the effort in the world to make it happen. And, now, I'm prepared to do that. I'm prepared to put my all into this thing, because this is what I LOVE. I truly can say this is my passion and my purpose.
So, what I'm saying is I'm finally able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. I love Whitney for who she is right now. I love that she's scared sometimes. I love that she's ok to yell and ok to be quiet. I love that she talks too much. I love that she falls in love fast. I love that she isn't afraid to let her heart go. I love that she's a fighter. She's a non-conformist and she's not afraid to say what she's really thinking. I love, mostly, that I'm accepting all of this. All of this is ok. And it's ok that I'm insecure in some moments. It's ok that I don't think sometimes. And it's ok that I'm not always right. I'm a better person than I or some people realize. There is potential in my life and I'm grateful. Truly...just for who I am.
I'm not who I want to be just yet
But I'm well on my way
I'm not who people think I am
I am becoming the woman I was designed to be
Thank you God for giving me the eyes to see this
I thought I was blind
Maybe I'm better with me than with you
I loved you for so long that I forgot how to love myself
Thank you God for opening my eyes
I though I was blind.
Nobody has to prove anything to me. I get it. I've been unhappy for so long and now I'm finally finding peace within. I've seen that life is more than being popular, getting the guy and saying you were a part of something. It's more than pretending that you're happy. It's really possible to be happy.
I don't have a boyfriend and honestly I haven't ever REALLY had one. I think that is something that can make you feel like you're less than a person sometimes, until you realize that you're ok without someone else to latch on to. I've realized it's ok to find out how happy you are and can be alone before you find someone else to add to this happiness. It's just taking me a while to get there.
My music career is taking off, but not as fast as I want it to. But I've decided that it's mostly my fault. I have to put forth all the effort in the world to make it happen. And, now, I'm prepared to do that. I'm prepared to put my all into this thing, because this is what I LOVE. I truly can say this is my passion and my purpose.
So, what I'm saying is I'm finally able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. I love Whitney for who she is right now. I love that she's scared sometimes. I love that she's ok to yell and ok to be quiet. I love that she talks too much. I love that she falls in love fast. I love that she isn't afraid to let her heart go. I love that she's a fighter. She's a non-conformist and she's not afraid to say what she's really thinking. I love, mostly, that I'm accepting all of this. All of this is ok. And it's ok that I'm insecure in some moments. It's ok that I don't think sometimes. And it's ok that I'm not always right. I'm a better person than I or some people realize. There is potential in my life and I'm grateful. Truly...just for who I am.
I'm not who I want to be just yet
But I'm well on my way
I'm not who people think I am
I am becoming the woman I was designed to be
Thank you God for giving me the eyes to see this
I thought I was blind
Monday, March 10, 2008
La La La
I've realized...I can't make someone like me. I cannot make a guy look at me just because I wish for him too. And, even, that maybe I'm destined to be alone. I see so many people around me getting the guys they want and I can't get one. :-( Life. Sucks for some.
Go on.
I'll be ok.
Btw...didn't get the EPPlugged thing! They rejected me...after my Chrisette performance. IDK. Life. It's crazy.
Maybe I'll get the Springfest thing! If not...my career may be doomed. I'm having a bad day. :-(
I want to cry!
Later
Go on.
I'll be ok.
Btw...didn't get the EPPlugged thing! They rejected me...after my Chrisette performance. IDK. Life. It's crazy.
Maybe I'll get the Springfest thing! If not...my career may be doomed. I'm having a bad day. :-(
I want to cry!
Later
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Directions
He's back and I love it.
I love him and everything. He does it.
He kisses, touches, reminds me of why I lovee him.
And everytime I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Life is so crazy right now. I missed one of my bestfrieds' birthday for something I didn't really want! I am back loving him--yes him-- after I swore not to ever again. I'm in a place I don't want to be right now and I'm seriously praying for direction. God knows I need it!
Is it my fault that I can't focus on this career? Do I just lack focu all together? I don't know, but it's starting to look that way. It's starting to feel like I can't seem to make up my mind about anything and I'm fed up with it. Why don't I know where I want to be in five years? In all actuality I want to be at home with my parents! I don't want to grow up. There. I said it. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of being on my own, alone. I don't want to do it. I wish I were still in the 10th grade where the hardest decision I had to make was who was gonna take me to prom. I hate this. I hate that I thought life was so hard then and took a lot of it for granted. I look back and wish I would have done more, seen more and experienced more. I wish I could have afforded to take risks or at least acknowledged that I could. I hate that I'm without experiences and that I'm lacking the confidence to enter this life of adulthood and thrive. I'm afraid I'll never get married and end up alone forever.
I'm afraid. I don't know how not to be. I don't know what to do to get over it. I just know that I have to get past it. I have to get away from it! I have to find a way to deal with it. I have to. I have to. God I know I've done SOOOO much wrong, but I pray you hear me and show me the way.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
I love him and everything. He does it.
He kisses, touches, reminds me of why I lovee him.
And everytime I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Life is so crazy right now. I missed one of my bestfrieds' birthday for something I didn't really want! I am back loving him--yes him-- after I swore not to ever again. I'm in a place I don't want to be right now and I'm seriously praying for direction. God knows I need it!
Is it my fault that I can't focus on this career? Do I just lack focu all together? I don't know, but it's starting to look that way. It's starting to feel like I can't seem to make up my mind about anything and I'm fed up with it. Why don't I know where I want to be in five years? In all actuality I want to be at home with my parents! I don't want to grow up. There. I said it. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of being on my own, alone. I don't want to do it. I wish I were still in the 10th grade where the hardest decision I had to make was who was gonna take me to prom. I hate this. I hate that I thought life was so hard then and took a lot of it for granted. I look back and wish I would have done more, seen more and experienced more. I wish I could have afforded to take risks or at least acknowledged that I could. I hate that I'm without experiences and that I'm lacking the confidence to enter this life of adulthood and thrive. I'm afraid I'll never get married and end up alone forever.
I'm afraid. I don't know how not to be. I don't know what to do to get over it. I just know that I have to get past it. I have to get away from it! I have to find a way to deal with it. I have to. I have to. God I know I've done SOOOO much wrong, but I pray you hear me and show me the way.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
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