The Ties That Bind Us...Are They Truly Behind Us?

I don't understand sometimes
Am I wrong?
I admit when I am and even then
I am ridiculed and scored
She who birthed me doesn't even understand
She says it's me, and I should be the bigger woman
If only they could see what the others see
Those who barely know me see the light that radiates from the deep
It is only those who say they love me, stand behind and even beside me
Who miss what God has placed within me
Forgive me
Maybe I am upset because of past wrongs
Maybe hurts with myself for letting it go on so long
But they are the reason I altered this piece of me
Tried so hard to change the heart of me
But it's hard for me
When even then
They barely are for me

I wish I could say that I wasn't angry, but I cannot. I wish I could say that I'm learning a lesson from it, but I cannot. I definitely want to love them and somewhere deep I do. However, right now it's so hard to do that. After 20 plus years of ridicule, verbal abuse and mental degredation I wish that someone would see how deeply I've been hurt by their words. They have said so many things to hinder my progression and stunt my growth. They have yet to understand the power God has placed over my life. And I'm arrogant for knowing so.

I'm hurt. I want them to accept me. See me as beautiful as other people do. Appreciate me for who I am. I want them to love me, truly. I feel like an outsider, almost foreign. I wonder, often, if this is where I belong. Why am I so different, I want to ask. But I dare not I know I'm made that way for a purpose. I know things will get better and I do not have to deal with those who hurt me because God will deal with them.

I love me. Or at least learning to. I wish they would see that life is bigger than Gadsden, more beautiful than what they have seen and offers more than they've ever experienced.

God, thank you for making me different.

:-) Trying to smile through it all.