New Year's Resolutions

So...everyone keeps asking me, "What's your New Year's resolution?". And I keep thinking, what't the point?. I don't know how I feel about those--pointless I think. I kind of want to make a change and I want to start over in 2008, but there is so much left over from 2007 that I have to finish.

So...I've decided. No New Year's Resolution...unless I've finished EVERYTHING I need to finish in one situation conveniently in time for the new year. If I make a resolution it's because I've completed or resolved all things in the my current situation.

Thus, I guess once I patch everything up with him I can move on in the relationship arena. I can allow myself to feel again and maybe love again...in the far future. I'm not sure I'm all the way back or if it's just the comfort of home that's allowing me to deal so well. Or it could be the fact that I still have someone to talk to everyday. I don't know, but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not crying everyday, though I do cry. And I'm grateful I'm not losing my mind missing him, though I miss him like hell. I just learned to deal. I just learned to block it out until I'm going to sleep. Thats the worst.

I lay in the bed, even if I'm on the phone with someone else, and all I can think about is him. I think about our conversations and everything that had become norm for me. All the little things he'd say or not say that signaled so much for me. I wish I could just have him back for sleep. I've not rested since we broke up and I try to pretend it's not true. Jesus. Now I'm missing him. I digress.

So...basically, no new year's resolutions. I'll only make resolutions once I've resolved situations. And that's life. That's how I'll manage.

I'll go write a song or two now...

Later kids.

Love.Live.Music

Mwa.

Letting Go & Starting New

First of all I hate being stupid. I hate doing things that are illogical and make no sense. Funny thing is, I always do. Especially when it comes to him. I miss him, I think. I am trying to learn how to function without his presence or thoughts, but I feel as though I'm failing miserably. So...I'm talking to this dude we'll call him John (wack) and everything he says reminds me of him (guess we should give "him" a name, too. nah. lol). John is cool, but he is very simple and very goofy and lame. Why did I just get out of a relationship with the most charismatic guy in the WORLD? It's gonna make this finding someone else thing IMPOSSIBLE! So, back to being stupid. I called him today for the first time in a few days. He doesn't answer and I panic. Yes, panic. I called again and sent a few texts. Then I finally realized. Oh damn, he's not my boyfriend anymore. And I cry. I didn't think it would be this hard or that I'd do so many stupid things while I'm trying to forget him. ARGH! But I digress. I just gotta deal. One day at a time. I mean, I did actually live my life without him...like four years ago! Damn, life.

So, I'm super hyped. I'm in the studio ALL week. I'm really excited to get to do some new work. I'll be writing some great stuff in lue of my recent loss (LOL, the boyfriend). I guess this is a good time for me to get serious about this thing. I need to find some performance spots this semester and really get my foot in the door in some places. Can't wait!!! Life is going to work. It has to. I just have to make it happen.

Well....later kids.

Love.Live.Music

Mwa.

Loving Someone

First of all it's funny to be 20 yrs old and in college. I remember being in the 6th grade and simply wanting to be "famous" for something like creating a Barbie lol. Still desire that fame, but now for something more serious like music or having a successful NPO. But that's beside the point...

I've been thinking about being in love and loving someone and I'm wondering: Is it worth it? I want to say it is and a month ago there would have been no doubt that it was. But...I don't know. I'm unsure, now. It's like this: you give your heart to someone and you become as vulnerable as you can only to end up losing them. Is that fair? I've watched someone I love go from loving me unconditionally to hating me ultimately in the last few weeks. We went from good to bad in a matter of seconds for something neither of us did. Make sense? Never did to me either.

I want to hate him, too. I can't. I wake up in the middle of the night almost in tears thinking about him. And, ironically, I want to call him to quiet my fears. What do you do when the person you used to call if you were scared, hurt or confused is now the reason you're scared, hurt and confused? How do you deal? He was my sanity for so long. No one knew how much I loved him except for him, which is why I can't understand how he could just let me go like he did. He dropped me and began to despise me so quickly. I guess he wasn't who I thought he was.

I thought he was "the one". I thought I had found my husband and I'm sure he thought he'd found his wife. However, neither of us did. I want to be optimistic and say there is a possibility that we'll get back together, but I just know there isn't. He is happy to be by himself now...or so he makes me believe. He has a million girls who would love to be with him. And that's the part that burns me.

Love. It's the impossible thing to conquer. Those who succeed really don't win. They just find a way to manage. I don't quite know if I'm capable of managing with anyone else. We worked for so long. But now I'm figuring out how to let life continue without him. How I'm going to pick back up and live my life. Go on and just be myself. Funny. Strange even, without him.

That's life huh? Throws stuff at you and hopefully you dodge it. I didn't quite dodge the blow, but I'm recovering.

Later kids.

Love.Live.Music

Mwa