He's back and I love it.
I love him and everything. He does it.
He kisses, touches, reminds me of why I lovee him.
And everytime I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Life is so crazy right now. I missed one of my bestfrieds' birthday for something I didn't really want! I am back loving him--yes him-- after I swore not to ever again. I'm in a place I don't want to be right now and I'm seriously praying for direction. God knows I need it!
Is it my fault that I can't focus on this career? Do I just lack focu all together? I don't know, but it's starting to look that way. It's starting to feel like I can't seem to make up my mind about anything and I'm fed up with it. Why don't I know where I want to be in five years? In all actuality I want to be at home with my parents! I don't want to grow up. There. I said it. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of being on my own, alone. I don't want to do it. I wish I were still in the 10th grade where the hardest decision I had to make was who was gonna take me to prom. I hate this. I hate that I thought life was so hard then and took a lot of it for granted. I look back and wish I would have done more, seen more and experienced more. I wish I could have afforded to take risks or at least acknowledged that I could. I hate that I'm without experiences and that I'm lacking the confidence to enter this life of adulthood and thrive. I'm afraid I'll never get married and end up alone forever.
I'm afraid. I don't know how not to be. I don't know what to do to get over it. I just know that I have to get past it. I have to get away from it! I have to find a way to deal with it. I have to. I have to. God I know I've done SOOOO much wrong, but I pray you hear me and show me the way.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
Friday, February 22, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
There's Something Different
I'm at peace. I am no longer stressing about why he doesn't call me, talk to me or act remotely interested in my life. For the first time, I have an ex--really. We talk when we can and never for long. I still love him, but I realize the importance of letting go.
It's not easy to give up something you've been used to for the past 3 years. It's not easy to wake up and the person you gave your complete self to is gone. It hurts. It's hard and you don't always understand. Thank God for relief and acceptance.
There is a new interest who is keeping me up nights with beautiful conversation. We talk about everything. We laugh and, mostly, we flirt. I enjoy everything about him. I enjoy his random confessions of craziness, his willingness to read me and his genuine concern for me as a person. I think he is a beautiful person to have in my life and I pray it continues.
We'll see.
Gotta go do this video for class!
later Kids
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
It's not easy to give up something you've been used to for the past 3 years. It's not easy to wake up and the person you gave your complete self to is gone. It hurts. It's hard and you don't always understand. Thank God for relief and acceptance.
There is a new interest who is keeping me up nights with beautiful conversation. We talk about everything. We laugh and, mostly, we flirt. I enjoy everything about him. I enjoy his random confessions of craziness, his willingness to read me and his genuine concern for me as a person. I think he is a beautiful person to have in my life and I pray it continues.
We'll see.
Gotta go do this video for class!
later Kids
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Go Ahead...Do You.
I'm learning to sleep with0ut you, be without you but I doubt you care...
I'm not sure where life is taking us. We are up and down. We are everywhere, but what I do know is this: he still loves me. He was so hurt yesterday and I wanted to do something, say something or just be able to tell the truth. I couldn't. Telling him why meant telling everything and I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I will ever be. I will be punished for this great sin, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm trying to motivate myself in this field of study, but nothing is working. Everday, out side of my room, I feel motivated. Yet, once I'm left alone with my thoughts I am easily persuaded against all motivation I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to just say I want to do something else and I'm even afraid to try this. Because I never envisioned I'd be a journalist for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician, but it seems this dream is slipping away...and that scares me. I'm having doubts and I cannot understand how to suppress them. I want to be a musician...go for it. I have to.
I digress...Life is going ok. Giving that struggle to God, because I cannot handle it. I cannot deal with it. I cannot be this person anymore, that is all I know.
Well I'm off to see the wizard and maybe go clean up...doubtfully.
Well
Later kids.
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
I'm not sure where life is taking us. We are up and down. We are everywhere, but what I do know is this: he still loves me. He was so hurt yesterday and I wanted to do something, say something or just be able to tell the truth. I couldn't. Telling him why meant telling everything and I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I will ever be. I will be punished for this great sin, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm trying to motivate myself in this field of study, but nothing is working. Everday, out side of my room, I feel motivated. Yet, once I'm left alone with my thoughts I am easily persuaded against all motivation I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to just say I want to do something else and I'm even afraid to try this. Because I never envisioned I'd be a journalist for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician, but it seems this dream is slipping away...and that scares me. I'm having doubts and I cannot understand how to suppress them. I want to be a musician...go for it. I have to.
I digress...Life is going ok. Giving that struggle to God, because I cannot handle it. I cannot deal with it. I cannot be this person anymore, that is all I know.
Well I'm off to see the wizard and maybe go clean up...doubtfully.
Well
Later kids.
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
Saturday, February 2, 2008
It Was You...
Every night I fall asleep wishing he were still mine. And I talk about him so much because he's all I've known for so long. How do I get over him? I don't? Do I just go on and live through it. I doubt there will be anyone who will have my heart as much as he does. He has me completely, wholey. He knows everything about me. More than I know about myself and that's what scares me and confuses me. How dare he let me go? I'm furious with him. Now, he wants to see me...but I can't give that to him. Not now. It's impossible. I want to live again; for myself. I want to be ok without him, but I can't be. I just can't.
And I'm trying my best to just say goodbye to him because everything is wrong. Nothing about us is ok anymore. In fact, he doesn't even realize how much I'm hurting. And I think he wants to fix it. He just doesn't know how. And I think it's best if we just move on. We have to. I love him with all my heart, but I can't stay in this place forever. I have to move on. I have to love someone else. Although, I'll never be this happy again. I have to try. I love him so much. If you've never known perfection, you'll never understand. Even though he hurt me and even though I hurt him, it was him that made me happy. He was my best and my worst. He was everything. I love to just hear him say my name. I love him to say hello. I hate him to say goodbye. I hate that we will never be husband and wife after everything we've been through. I hate that some other woman will get what I worked so hard for. That some other woman will get my happily ever after. How dare she? How could life be so cruel to me. It's my fault. I know. But I love him. Can't love overrule everything else? Why can't it? I hate this. I love him. I want him, but it's best like this (that was more for me than for you).
I'm typing through my hurt right now. Listening to Emily Kings' "It Was You". So close to tears I'm crying. I love him. I do. I love him so much. I want to be in his arms right now. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tell me he loves me, kiss me on my forehead and let me fall asleep right there. Why can't I? I miss him. I love him. I want him here. I want to be there. I want us together. :-(
Well...
Later kids
Love.Live.Music
mwa.
It Was You
Right now to the way we were...so in love but life soon brings change.
Through ones eyes. He cried tears for me, but by his side I can no longer be.
We used to talk all night, of different things but you, you didn't hear me cry. Our love is ending. Somewhere between the lines, there's sadness I could no longer had.
It was you who brought the sunlight back in my life, it was you. It was you who promised me forever that things would be right. It was you who made me cry. Now to you I say goodbye. Through the lies and the truth it was you.
So now my love goodbye...I'll miss you though you've gone. But leaves do changes as time goes on. And though we've parted in the end....for all the time spent in love. I thank you.
And I'm trying my best to just say goodbye to him because everything is wrong. Nothing about us is ok anymore. In fact, he doesn't even realize how much I'm hurting. And I think he wants to fix it. He just doesn't know how. And I think it's best if we just move on. We have to. I love him with all my heart, but I can't stay in this place forever. I have to move on. I have to love someone else. Although, I'll never be this happy again. I have to try. I love him so much. If you've never known perfection, you'll never understand. Even though he hurt me and even though I hurt him, it was him that made me happy. He was my best and my worst. He was everything. I love to just hear him say my name. I love him to say hello. I hate him to say goodbye. I hate that we will never be husband and wife after everything we've been through. I hate that some other woman will get what I worked so hard for. That some other woman will get my happily ever after. How dare she? How could life be so cruel to me. It's my fault. I know. But I love him. Can't love overrule everything else? Why can't it? I hate this. I love him. I want him, but it's best like this (that was more for me than for you).
I'm typing through my hurt right now. Listening to Emily Kings' "It Was You". So close to tears I'm crying. I love him. I do. I love him so much. I want to be in his arms right now. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tell me he loves me, kiss me on my forehead and let me fall asleep right there. Why can't I? I miss him. I love him. I want him here. I want to be there. I want us together. :-(
Well...
Later kids
Love.Live.Music
mwa.
It Was You
Right now to the way we were...so in love but life soon brings change.
Through ones eyes. He cried tears for me, but by his side I can no longer be.
We used to talk all night, of different things but you, you didn't hear me cry. Our love is ending. Somewhere between the lines, there's sadness I could no longer had.
It was you who brought the sunlight back in my life, it was you. It was you who promised me forever that things would be right. It was you who made me cry. Now to you I say goodbye. Through the lies and the truth it was you.
So now my love goodbye...I'll miss you though you've gone. But leaves do changes as time goes on. And though we've parted in the end....for all the time spent in love. I thank you.
...Each Day Get Better...
How can he just let her go?
Easy. I guess when you love someone so much and they let you down too much, you have no choice. You have to move. Maybe that's where he was when he decided to leave me. I can never tell, but I can tell that he still loves me. He called me baby last night, told me he missed me and was sweet to me for the first time in a long time. We had conversation. I almost cried. It's something about being in love. It makes you happy. I know a person shouldn't have so much control over another, but we were made to love. And now that I've had it. I want it back.
Is it too hard for us to admit that we want love? I remember being so cynical about love. I remember never feeling like I needed to get married or have children. I thought I'd be content with spending my life alone. Or maybe I was just psyching myself out. Because,now, I realize I need these things. But most importantly...I need them with him. I've never met someone who adds to my life so much. I truly can say I love him. And there are so many others who are trying to take his place, but I cannot let them. They just aren't what I want. He was everything. He had the looks, the charisma, the personality, the stubborness, and the drive I loved so much. I'm praying for my life right now. Praying that he is apart of it...somehow.
But...I digress.
So...I'm being challenged as a journalist right now. I have to do something profound, write something meaningful and be immersed in this life of NEWS. I love news, but I don't love this. If I could be perfectly honest. I don't know what I want to do with my life. As scary as that sounds...I don't. I'm going to be successful as a journalist, but it's not what I want. I want to do music...I think. I don't know. I'm confused. I want to be happy. And I don't know what will get me there. I'm searching. I'm on a journey...
Whether we know it or not...life is not the homework...it's the test.
Later kids...
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Easy. I guess when you love someone so much and they let you down too much, you have no choice. You have to move. Maybe that's where he was when he decided to leave me. I can never tell, but I can tell that he still loves me. He called me baby last night, told me he missed me and was sweet to me for the first time in a long time. We had conversation. I almost cried. It's something about being in love. It makes you happy. I know a person shouldn't have so much control over another, but we were made to love. And now that I've had it. I want it back.
Is it too hard for us to admit that we want love? I remember being so cynical about love. I remember never feeling like I needed to get married or have children. I thought I'd be content with spending my life alone. Or maybe I was just psyching myself out. Because,now, I realize I need these things. But most importantly...I need them with him. I've never met someone who adds to my life so much. I truly can say I love him. And there are so many others who are trying to take his place, but I cannot let them. They just aren't what I want. He was everything. He had the looks, the charisma, the personality, the stubborness, and the drive I loved so much. I'm praying for my life right now. Praying that he is apart of it...somehow.
But...I digress.
So...I'm being challenged as a journalist right now. I have to do something profound, write something meaningful and be immersed in this life of NEWS. I love news, but I don't love this. If I could be perfectly honest. I don't know what I want to do with my life. As scary as that sounds...I don't. I'm going to be successful as a journalist, but it's not what I want. I want to do music...I think. I don't know. I'm confused. I want to be happy. And I don't know what will get me there. I'm searching. I'm on a journey...
Whether we know it or not...life is not the homework...it's the test.
Later kids...
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
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