I don't understand sometimes
Am I wrong?
I admit when I am and even then
I am ridiculed and scored
She who birthed me doesn't even understand
She says it's me, and I should be the bigger woman
If only they could see what the others see
Those who barely know me see the light that radiates from the deep
It is only those who say they love me, stand behind and even beside me
Who miss what God has placed within me
Forgive me
Maybe I am upset because of past wrongs
Maybe hurts with myself for letting it go on so long
But they are the reason I altered this piece of me
Tried so hard to change the heart of me
But it's hard for me
When even then
They barely are for me
I wish I could say that I wasn't angry, but I cannot. I wish I could say that I'm learning a lesson from it, but I cannot. I definitely want to love them and somewhere deep I do. However, right now it's so hard to do that. After 20 plus years of ridicule, verbal abuse and mental degredation I wish that someone would see how deeply I've been hurt by their words. They have said so many things to hinder my progression and stunt my growth. They have yet to understand the power God has placed over my life. And I'm arrogant for knowing so.
I'm hurt. I want them to accept me. See me as beautiful as other people do. Appreciate me for who I am. I want them to love me, truly. I feel like an outsider, almost foreign. I wonder, often, if this is where I belong. Why am I so different, I want to ask. But I dare not I know I'm made that way for a purpose. I know things will get better and I do not have to deal with those who hurt me because God will deal with them.
I love me. Or at least learning to. I wish they would see that life is bigger than Gadsden, more beautiful than what they have seen and offers more than they've ever experienced.
God, thank you for making me different.
:-) Trying to smile through it all.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
It's My Me...
Been over it 100 times in my head and I've realized, it's me.
I'm not where I want to be because of reasons I cannot control.
I don't get the attention I want and there is nothing I can do.
It's me.
Not the me that I have jurisdiction over, but the me I did not make.
So, I've been sitting around wondering why my myspace plays are only like 22 a day when others have 1,000 a day. 1. Maybe they perform more 2. They are beautiful.
Living in a superficial society, I know that I'm not beautiful. Talented, maybe, but beautiful I am not. But I can't control that and it's killing me. Trust me, I want to be beautiful, but I can't change my face.
This is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm going to deal with it. Hopefully, I'll make it on my talent alone.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but those are lies.
They only like what they can see with their eyes.
They deny their minds and let these two portals rule.
It is the weirdest thing to see and I watch as they do.
Whitney
I'm not where I want to be because of reasons I cannot control.
I don't get the attention I want and there is nothing I can do.
It's me.
Not the me that I have jurisdiction over, but the me I did not make.
So, I've been sitting around wondering why my myspace plays are only like 22 a day when others have 1,000 a day. 1. Maybe they perform more 2. They are beautiful.
Living in a superficial society, I know that I'm not beautiful. Talented, maybe, but beautiful I am not. But I can't control that and it's killing me. Trust me, I want to be beautiful, but I can't change my face.
This is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm going to deal with it. Hopefully, I'll make it on my talent alone.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but those are lies.
They only like what they can see with their eyes.
They deny their minds and let these two portals rule.
It is the weirdest thing to see and I watch as they do.
Whitney
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Whisper
No...there are reasons
Just because we miss them
Doesn't mean they never existed
There are reasons
I hear them sometimes
Sometimes I miss them
But there are reasons
Let me say this. Whitney is a rollercoaster ride all in herself. Sometimes I'm up and, of course, sometimes I'm down. I've learned, however, that I have to find some satisfaction in me. I've got to stop looking at myself through the eyes of the norm and look at myself for who I am.
You know, it's funny. I like this guy and I really thought he liked me, too. But everytime he sees a picture of a friend of mine he quickly begans to ask about her. Then he tells me the type of girl he likes...nothing like me. So, I get it. But still wonder what's his point in flirting with me continuously. Whatever--guys are strange.
But I won't let him or all the other guys who've ignored me for the last 21 years discourage me. A guy told me today that I seemed really down to earth and shouldnt let a few guys make me think bad about the rest of them. He's right. And I keep giving chances. I keep trying to say each guy is different, but I get proved wrong time and time again. Yet, I won't stop hoping. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Well, I just wanted to write today. I've to start doing this everyday! I need to get some things off of this chest and out of this heart and head. I need to get focused and I need to do what's best for me! This is my life.
And I don't know if I told you, this is not homework. Life, is the test.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Just because we miss them
Doesn't mean they never existed
There are reasons
I hear them sometimes
Sometimes I miss them
But there are reasons
Let me say this. Whitney is a rollercoaster ride all in herself. Sometimes I'm up and, of course, sometimes I'm down. I've learned, however, that I have to find some satisfaction in me. I've got to stop looking at myself through the eyes of the norm and look at myself for who I am.
You know, it's funny. I like this guy and I really thought he liked me, too. But everytime he sees a picture of a friend of mine he quickly begans to ask about her. Then he tells me the type of girl he likes...nothing like me. So, I get it. But still wonder what's his point in flirting with me continuously. Whatever--guys are strange.
But I won't let him or all the other guys who've ignored me for the last 21 years discourage me. A guy told me today that I seemed really down to earth and shouldnt let a few guys make me think bad about the rest of them. He's right. And I keep giving chances. I keep trying to say each guy is different, but I get proved wrong time and time again. Yet, I won't stop hoping. I'm a hopeless romantic.
Well, I just wanted to write today. I've to start doing this everyday! I need to get some things off of this chest and out of this heart and head. I need to get focused and I need to do what's best for me! This is my life.
And I don't know if I told you, this is not homework. Life, is the test.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Friday, May 16, 2008
It's Almost Here
Well maybe this is safer than holding on
Maybe I'm better with me than with you
I loved you for so long that I forgot how to love myself
Thank you God for opening my eyes
I though I was blind.
Nobody has to prove anything to me. I get it. I've been unhappy for so long and now I'm finally finding peace within. I've seen that life is more than being popular, getting the guy and saying you were a part of something. It's more than pretending that you're happy. It's really possible to be happy.
I don't have a boyfriend and honestly I haven't ever REALLY had one. I think that is something that can make you feel like you're less than a person sometimes, until you realize that you're ok without someone else to latch on to. I've realized it's ok to find out how happy you are and can be alone before you find someone else to add to this happiness. It's just taking me a while to get there.
My music career is taking off, but not as fast as I want it to. But I've decided that it's mostly my fault. I have to put forth all the effort in the world to make it happen. And, now, I'm prepared to do that. I'm prepared to put my all into this thing, because this is what I LOVE. I truly can say this is my passion and my purpose.
So, what I'm saying is I'm finally able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. I love Whitney for who she is right now. I love that she's scared sometimes. I love that she's ok to yell and ok to be quiet. I love that she talks too much. I love that she falls in love fast. I love that she isn't afraid to let her heart go. I love that she's a fighter. She's a non-conformist and she's not afraid to say what she's really thinking. I love, mostly, that I'm accepting all of this. All of this is ok. And it's ok that I'm insecure in some moments. It's ok that I don't think sometimes. And it's ok that I'm not always right. I'm a better person than I or some people realize. There is potential in my life and I'm grateful. Truly...just for who I am.
I'm not who I want to be just yet
But I'm well on my way
I'm not who people think I am
I am becoming the woman I was designed to be
Thank you God for giving me the eyes to see this
I thought I was blind
Maybe I'm better with me than with you
I loved you for so long that I forgot how to love myself
Thank you God for opening my eyes
I though I was blind.
Nobody has to prove anything to me. I get it. I've been unhappy for so long and now I'm finally finding peace within. I've seen that life is more than being popular, getting the guy and saying you were a part of something. It's more than pretending that you're happy. It's really possible to be happy.
I don't have a boyfriend and honestly I haven't ever REALLY had one. I think that is something that can make you feel like you're less than a person sometimes, until you realize that you're ok without someone else to latch on to. I've realized it's ok to find out how happy you are and can be alone before you find someone else to add to this happiness. It's just taking me a while to get there.
My music career is taking off, but not as fast as I want it to. But I've decided that it's mostly my fault. I have to put forth all the effort in the world to make it happen. And, now, I'm prepared to do that. I'm prepared to put my all into this thing, because this is what I LOVE. I truly can say this is my passion and my purpose.
So, what I'm saying is I'm finally able to look in the mirror and say that I love myself. I love Whitney for who she is right now. I love that she's scared sometimes. I love that she's ok to yell and ok to be quiet. I love that she talks too much. I love that she falls in love fast. I love that she isn't afraid to let her heart go. I love that she's a fighter. She's a non-conformist and she's not afraid to say what she's really thinking. I love, mostly, that I'm accepting all of this. All of this is ok. And it's ok that I'm insecure in some moments. It's ok that I don't think sometimes. And it's ok that I'm not always right. I'm a better person than I or some people realize. There is potential in my life and I'm grateful. Truly...just for who I am.
I'm not who I want to be just yet
But I'm well on my way
I'm not who people think I am
I am becoming the woman I was designed to be
Thank you God for giving me the eyes to see this
I thought I was blind
Monday, March 10, 2008
La La La
I've realized...I can't make someone like me. I cannot make a guy look at me just because I wish for him too. And, even, that maybe I'm destined to be alone. I see so many people around me getting the guys they want and I can't get one. :-( Life. Sucks for some.
Go on.
I'll be ok.
Btw...didn't get the EPPlugged thing! They rejected me...after my Chrisette performance. IDK. Life. It's crazy.
Maybe I'll get the Springfest thing! If not...my career may be doomed. I'm having a bad day. :-(
I want to cry!
Later
Go on.
I'll be ok.
Btw...didn't get the EPPlugged thing! They rejected me...after my Chrisette performance. IDK. Life. It's crazy.
Maybe I'll get the Springfest thing! If not...my career may be doomed. I'm having a bad day. :-(
I want to cry!
Later
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Directions
He's back and I love it.
I love him and everything. He does it.
He kisses, touches, reminds me of why I lovee him.
And everytime I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Life is so crazy right now. I missed one of my bestfrieds' birthday for something I didn't really want! I am back loving him--yes him-- after I swore not to ever again. I'm in a place I don't want to be right now and I'm seriously praying for direction. God knows I need it!
Is it my fault that I can't focus on this career? Do I just lack focu all together? I don't know, but it's starting to look that way. It's starting to feel like I can't seem to make up my mind about anything and I'm fed up with it. Why don't I know where I want to be in five years? In all actuality I want to be at home with my parents! I don't want to grow up. There. I said it. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of being on my own, alone. I don't want to do it. I wish I were still in the 10th grade where the hardest decision I had to make was who was gonna take me to prom. I hate this. I hate that I thought life was so hard then and took a lot of it for granted. I look back and wish I would have done more, seen more and experienced more. I wish I could have afforded to take risks or at least acknowledged that I could. I hate that I'm without experiences and that I'm lacking the confidence to enter this life of adulthood and thrive. I'm afraid I'll never get married and end up alone forever.
I'm afraid. I don't know how not to be. I don't know what to do to get over it. I just know that I have to get past it. I have to get away from it! I have to find a way to deal with it. I have to. I have to. God I know I've done SOOOO much wrong, but I pray you hear me and show me the way.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
I love him and everything. He does it.
He kisses, touches, reminds me of why I lovee him.
And everytime I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
Life is so crazy right now. I missed one of my bestfrieds' birthday for something I didn't really want! I am back loving him--yes him-- after I swore not to ever again. I'm in a place I don't want to be right now and I'm seriously praying for direction. God knows I need it!
Is it my fault that I can't focus on this career? Do I just lack focu all together? I don't know, but it's starting to look that way. It's starting to feel like I can't seem to make up my mind about anything and I'm fed up with it. Why don't I know where I want to be in five years? In all actuality I want to be at home with my parents! I don't want to grow up. There. I said it. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of being on my own, alone. I don't want to do it. I wish I were still in the 10th grade where the hardest decision I had to make was who was gonna take me to prom. I hate this. I hate that I thought life was so hard then and took a lot of it for granted. I look back and wish I would have done more, seen more and experienced more. I wish I could have afforded to take risks or at least acknowledged that I could. I hate that I'm without experiences and that I'm lacking the confidence to enter this life of adulthood and thrive. I'm afraid I'll never get married and end up alone forever.
I'm afraid. I don't know how not to be. I don't know what to do to get over it. I just know that I have to get past it. I have to get away from it! I have to find a way to deal with it. I have to. I have to. God I know I've done SOOOO much wrong, but I pray you hear me and show me the way.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
Monday, February 11, 2008
There's Something Different
I'm at peace. I am no longer stressing about why he doesn't call me, talk to me or act remotely interested in my life. For the first time, I have an ex--really. We talk when we can and never for long. I still love him, but I realize the importance of letting go.
It's not easy to give up something you've been used to for the past 3 years. It's not easy to wake up and the person you gave your complete self to is gone. It hurts. It's hard and you don't always understand. Thank God for relief and acceptance.
There is a new interest who is keeping me up nights with beautiful conversation. We talk about everything. We laugh and, mostly, we flirt. I enjoy everything about him. I enjoy his random confessions of craziness, his willingness to read me and his genuine concern for me as a person. I think he is a beautiful person to have in my life and I pray it continues.
We'll see.
Gotta go do this video for class!
later Kids
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
It's not easy to give up something you've been used to for the past 3 years. It's not easy to wake up and the person you gave your complete self to is gone. It hurts. It's hard and you don't always understand. Thank God for relief and acceptance.
There is a new interest who is keeping me up nights with beautiful conversation. We talk about everything. We laugh and, mostly, we flirt. I enjoy everything about him. I enjoy his random confessions of craziness, his willingness to read me and his genuine concern for me as a person. I think he is a beautiful person to have in my life and I pray it continues.
We'll see.
Gotta go do this video for class!
later Kids
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Go Ahead...Do You.
I'm learning to sleep with0ut you, be without you but I doubt you care...
I'm not sure where life is taking us. We are up and down. We are everywhere, but what I do know is this: he still loves me. He was so hurt yesterday and I wanted to do something, say something or just be able to tell the truth. I couldn't. Telling him why meant telling everything and I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I will ever be. I will be punished for this great sin, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm trying to motivate myself in this field of study, but nothing is working. Everday, out side of my room, I feel motivated. Yet, once I'm left alone with my thoughts I am easily persuaded against all motivation I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to just say I want to do something else and I'm even afraid to try this. Because I never envisioned I'd be a journalist for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician, but it seems this dream is slipping away...and that scares me. I'm having doubts and I cannot understand how to suppress them. I want to be a musician...go for it. I have to.
I digress...Life is going ok. Giving that struggle to God, because I cannot handle it. I cannot deal with it. I cannot be this person anymore, that is all I know.
Well I'm off to see the wizard and maybe go clean up...doubtfully.
Well
Later kids.
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
I'm not sure where life is taking us. We are up and down. We are everywhere, but what I do know is this: he still loves me. He was so hurt yesterday and I wanted to do something, say something or just be able to tell the truth. I couldn't. Telling him why meant telling everything and I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I will ever be. I will be punished for this great sin, but I don't know what else to do.
I'm trying to motivate myself in this field of study, but nothing is working. Everday, out side of my room, I feel motivated. Yet, once I'm left alone with my thoughts I am easily persuaded against all motivation I feel. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to just say I want to do something else and I'm even afraid to try this. Because I never envisioned I'd be a journalist for the rest of my life. I want to be a musician, but it seems this dream is slipping away...and that scares me. I'm having doubts and I cannot understand how to suppress them. I want to be a musician...go for it. I have to.
I digress...Life is going ok. Giving that struggle to God, because I cannot handle it. I cannot deal with it. I cannot be this person anymore, that is all I know.
Well I'm off to see the wizard and maybe go clean up...doubtfully.
Well
Later kids.
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
Saturday, February 2, 2008
It Was You...
Every night I fall asleep wishing he were still mine. And I talk about him so much because he's all I've known for so long. How do I get over him? I don't? Do I just go on and live through it. I doubt there will be anyone who will have my heart as much as he does. He has me completely, wholey. He knows everything about me. More than I know about myself and that's what scares me and confuses me. How dare he let me go? I'm furious with him. Now, he wants to see me...but I can't give that to him. Not now. It's impossible. I want to live again; for myself. I want to be ok without him, but I can't be. I just can't.
And I'm trying my best to just say goodbye to him because everything is wrong. Nothing about us is ok anymore. In fact, he doesn't even realize how much I'm hurting. And I think he wants to fix it. He just doesn't know how. And I think it's best if we just move on. We have to. I love him with all my heart, but I can't stay in this place forever. I have to move on. I have to love someone else. Although, I'll never be this happy again. I have to try. I love him so much. If you've never known perfection, you'll never understand. Even though he hurt me and even though I hurt him, it was him that made me happy. He was my best and my worst. He was everything. I love to just hear him say my name. I love him to say hello. I hate him to say goodbye. I hate that we will never be husband and wife after everything we've been through. I hate that some other woman will get what I worked so hard for. That some other woman will get my happily ever after. How dare she? How could life be so cruel to me. It's my fault. I know. But I love him. Can't love overrule everything else? Why can't it? I hate this. I love him. I want him, but it's best like this (that was more for me than for you).
I'm typing through my hurt right now. Listening to Emily Kings' "It Was You". So close to tears I'm crying. I love him. I do. I love him so much. I want to be in his arms right now. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tell me he loves me, kiss me on my forehead and let me fall asleep right there. Why can't I? I miss him. I love him. I want him here. I want to be there. I want us together. :-(
Well...
Later kids
Love.Live.Music
mwa.
It Was You
Right now to the way we were...so in love but life soon brings change.
Through ones eyes. He cried tears for me, but by his side I can no longer be.
We used to talk all night, of different things but you, you didn't hear me cry. Our love is ending. Somewhere between the lines, there's sadness I could no longer had.
It was you who brought the sunlight back in my life, it was you. It was you who promised me forever that things would be right. It was you who made me cry. Now to you I say goodbye. Through the lies and the truth it was you.
So now my love goodbye...I'll miss you though you've gone. But leaves do changes as time goes on. And though we've parted in the end....for all the time spent in love. I thank you.
And I'm trying my best to just say goodbye to him because everything is wrong. Nothing about us is ok anymore. In fact, he doesn't even realize how much I'm hurting. And I think he wants to fix it. He just doesn't know how. And I think it's best if we just move on. We have to. I love him with all my heart, but I can't stay in this place forever. I have to move on. I have to love someone else. Although, I'll never be this happy again. I have to try. I love him so much. If you've never known perfection, you'll never understand. Even though he hurt me and even though I hurt him, it was him that made me happy. He was my best and my worst. He was everything. I love to just hear him say my name. I love him to say hello. I hate him to say goodbye. I hate that we will never be husband and wife after everything we've been through. I hate that some other woman will get what I worked so hard for. That some other woman will get my happily ever after. How dare she? How could life be so cruel to me. It's my fault. I know. But I love him. Can't love overrule everything else? Why can't it? I hate this. I love him. I want him, but it's best like this (that was more for me than for you).
I'm typing through my hurt right now. Listening to Emily Kings' "It Was You". So close to tears I'm crying. I love him. I do. I love him so much. I want to be in his arms right now. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Tell me he loves me, kiss me on my forehead and let me fall asleep right there. Why can't I? I miss him. I love him. I want him here. I want to be there. I want us together. :-(
Well...
Later kids
Love.Live.Music
mwa.
It Was You
Right now to the way we were...so in love but life soon brings change.
Through ones eyes. He cried tears for me, but by his side I can no longer be.
We used to talk all night, of different things but you, you didn't hear me cry. Our love is ending. Somewhere between the lines, there's sadness I could no longer had.
It was you who brought the sunlight back in my life, it was you. It was you who promised me forever that things would be right. It was you who made me cry. Now to you I say goodbye. Through the lies and the truth it was you.
So now my love goodbye...I'll miss you though you've gone. But leaves do changes as time goes on. And though we've parted in the end....for all the time spent in love. I thank you.
...Each Day Get Better...
How can he just let her go?
Easy. I guess when you love someone so much and they let you down too much, you have no choice. You have to move. Maybe that's where he was when he decided to leave me. I can never tell, but I can tell that he still loves me. He called me baby last night, told me he missed me and was sweet to me for the first time in a long time. We had conversation. I almost cried. It's something about being in love. It makes you happy. I know a person shouldn't have so much control over another, but we were made to love. And now that I've had it. I want it back.
Is it too hard for us to admit that we want love? I remember being so cynical about love. I remember never feeling like I needed to get married or have children. I thought I'd be content with spending my life alone. Or maybe I was just psyching myself out. Because,now, I realize I need these things. But most importantly...I need them with him. I've never met someone who adds to my life so much. I truly can say I love him. And there are so many others who are trying to take his place, but I cannot let them. They just aren't what I want. He was everything. He had the looks, the charisma, the personality, the stubborness, and the drive I loved so much. I'm praying for my life right now. Praying that he is apart of it...somehow.
But...I digress.
So...I'm being challenged as a journalist right now. I have to do something profound, write something meaningful and be immersed in this life of NEWS. I love news, but I don't love this. If I could be perfectly honest. I don't know what I want to do with my life. As scary as that sounds...I don't. I'm going to be successful as a journalist, but it's not what I want. I want to do music...I think. I don't know. I'm confused. I want to be happy. And I don't know what will get me there. I'm searching. I'm on a journey...
Whether we know it or not...life is not the homework...it's the test.
Later kids...
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Easy. I guess when you love someone so much and they let you down too much, you have no choice. You have to move. Maybe that's where he was when he decided to leave me. I can never tell, but I can tell that he still loves me. He called me baby last night, told me he missed me and was sweet to me for the first time in a long time. We had conversation. I almost cried. It's something about being in love. It makes you happy. I know a person shouldn't have so much control over another, but we were made to love. And now that I've had it. I want it back.
Is it too hard for us to admit that we want love? I remember being so cynical about love. I remember never feeling like I needed to get married or have children. I thought I'd be content with spending my life alone. Or maybe I was just psyching myself out. Because,now, I realize I need these things. But most importantly...I need them with him. I've never met someone who adds to my life so much. I truly can say I love him. And there are so many others who are trying to take his place, but I cannot let them. They just aren't what I want. He was everything. He had the looks, the charisma, the personality, the stubborness, and the drive I loved so much. I'm praying for my life right now. Praying that he is apart of it...somehow.
But...I digress.
So...I'm being challenged as a journalist right now. I have to do something profound, write something meaningful and be immersed in this life of NEWS. I love news, but I don't love this. If I could be perfectly honest. I don't know what I want to do with my life. As scary as that sounds...I don't. I'm going to be successful as a journalist, but it's not what I want. I want to do music...I think. I don't know. I'm confused. I want to be happy. And I don't know what will get me there. I'm searching. I'm on a journey...
Whether we know it or not...life is not the homework...it's the test.
Later kids...
Much Love
Love.Live.Music
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
So...everyone keeps asking me, "What's your New Year's resolution?". And I keep thinking, what't the point?. I don't know how I feel about those--pointless I think. I kind of want to make a change and I want to start over in 2008, but there is so much left over from 2007 that I have to finish.
So...I've decided. No New Year's Resolution...unless I've finished EVERYTHING I need to finish in one situation conveniently in time for the new year. If I make a resolution it's because I've completed or resolved all things in the my current situation.
Thus, I guess once I patch everything up with him I can move on in the relationship arena. I can allow myself to feel again and maybe love again...in the far future. I'm not sure I'm all the way back or if it's just the comfort of home that's allowing me to deal so well. Or it could be the fact that I still have someone to talk to everyday. I don't know, but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not crying everyday, though I do cry. And I'm grateful I'm not losing my mind missing him, though I miss him like hell. I just learned to deal. I just learned to block it out until I'm going to sleep. Thats the worst.
I lay in the bed, even if I'm on the phone with someone else, and all I can think about is him. I think about our conversations and everything that had become norm for me. All the little things he'd say or not say that signaled so much for me. I wish I could just have him back for sleep. I've not rested since we broke up and I try to pretend it's not true. Jesus. Now I'm missing him. I digress.
So...basically, no new year's resolutions. I'll only make resolutions once I've resolved situations. And that's life. That's how I'll manage.
I'll go write a song or two now...
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
So...I've decided. No New Year's Resolution...unless I've finished EVERYTHING I need to finish in one situation conveniently in time for the new year. If I make a resolution it's because I've completed or resolved all things in the my current situation.
Thus, I guess once I patch everything up with him I can move on in the relationship arena. I can allow myself to feel again and maybe love again...in the far future. I'm not sure I'm all the way back or if it's just the comfort of home that's allowing me to deal so well. Or it could be the fact that I still have someone to talk to everyday. I don't know, but I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm not crying everyday, though I do cry. And I'm grateful I'm not losing my mind missing him, though I miss him like hell. I just learned to deal. I just learned to block it out until I'm going to sleep. Thats the worst.
I lay in the bed, even if I'm on the phone with someone else, and all I can think about is him. I think about our conversations and everything that had become norm for me. All the little things he'd say or not say that signaled so much for me. I wish I could just have him back for sleep. I've not rested since we broke up and I try to pretend it's not true. Jesus. Now I'm missing him. I digress.
So...basically, no new year's resolutions. I'll only make resolutions once I've resolved situations. And that's life. That's how I'll manage.
I'll go write a song or two now...
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Letting Go & Starting New
First of all I hate being stupid. I hate doing things that are illogical and make no sense. Funny thing is, I always do. Especially when it comes to him. I miss him, I think. I am trying to learn how to function without his presence or thoughts, but I feel as though I'm failing miserably. So...I'm talking to this dude we'll call him John (wack) and everything he says reminds me of him (guess we should give "him" a name, too. nah. lol). John is cool, but he is very simple and very goofy and lame. Why did I just get out of a relationship with the most charismatic guy in the WORLD? It's gonna make this finding someone else thing IMPOSSIBLE! So, back to being stupid. I called him today for the first time in a few days. He doesn't answer and I panic. Yes, panic. I called again and sent a few texts. Then I finally realized. Oh damn, he's not my boyfriend anymore. And I cry. I didn't think it would be this hard or that I'd do so many stupid things while I'm trying to forget him. ARGH! But I digress. I just gotta deal. One day at a time. I mean, I did actually live my life without him...like four years ago! Damn, life.
So, I'm super hyped. I'm in the studio ALL week. I'm really excited to get to do some new work. I'll be writing some great stuff in lue of my recent loss (LOL, the boyfriend). I guess this is a good time for me to get serious about this thing. I need to find some performance spots this semester and really get my foot in the door in some places. Can't wait!!! Life is going to work. It has to. I just have to make it happen.
Well....later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
So, I'm super hyped. I'm in the studio ALL week. I'm really excited to get to do some new work. I'll be writing some great stuff in lue of my recent loss (LOL, the boyfriend). I guess this is a good time for me to get serious about this thing. I need to find some performance spots this semester and really get my foot in the door in some places. Can't wait!!! Life is going to work. It has to. I just have to make it happen.
Well....later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa.
Loving Someone
First of all it's funny to be 20 yrs old and in college. I remember being in the 6th grade and simply wanting to be "famous" for something like creating a Barbie lol. Still desire that fame, but now for something more serious like music or having a successful NPO. But that's beside the point...
I've been thinking about being in love and loving someone and I'm wondering: Is it worth it? I want to say it is and a month ago there would have been no doubt that it was. But...I don't know. I'm unsure, now. It's like this: you give your heart to someone and you become as vulnerable as you can only to end up losing them. Is that fair? I've watched someone I love go from loving me unconditionally to hating me ultimately in the last few weeks. We went from good to bad in a matter of seconds for something neither of us did. Make sense? Never did to me either.
I want to hate him, too. I can't. I wake up in the middle of the night almost in tears thinking about him. And, ironically, I want to call him to quiet my fears. What do you do when the person you used to call if you were scared, hurt or confused is now the reason you're scared, hurt and confused? How do you deal? He was my sanity for so long. No one knew how much I loved him except for him, which is why I can't understand how he could just let me go like he did. He dropped me and began to despise me so quickly. I guess he wasn't who I thought he was.
I thought he was "the one". I thought I had found my husband and I'm sure he thought he'd found his wife. However, neither of us did. I want to be optimistic and say there is a possibility that we'll get back together, but I just know there isn't. He is happy to be by himself now...or so he makes me believe. He has a million girls who would love to be with him. And that's the part that burns me.
Love. It's the impossible thing to conquer. Those who succeed really don't win. They just find a way to manage. I don't quite know if I'm capable of managing with anyone else. We worked for so long. But now I'm figuring out how to let life continue without him. How I'm going to pick back up and live my life. Go on and just be myself. Funny. Strange even, without him.
That's life huh? Throws stuff at you and hopefully you dodge it. I didn't quite dodge the blow, but I'm recovering.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
I've been thinking about being in love and loving someone and I'm wondering: Is it worth it? I want to say it is and a month ago there would have been no doubt that it was. But...I don't know. I'm unsure, now. It's like this: you give your heart to someone and you become as vulnerable as you can only to end up losing them. Is that fair? I've watched someone I love go from loving me unconditionally to hating me ultimately in the last few weeks. We went from good to bad in a matter of seconds for something neither of us did. Make sense? Never did to me either.
I want to hate him, too. I can't. I wake up in the middle of the night almost in tears thinking about him. And, ironically, I want to call him to quiet my fears. What do you do when the person you used to call if you were scared, hurt or confused is now the reason you're scared, hurt and confused? How do you deal? He was my sanity for so long. No one knew how much I loved him except for him, which is why I can't understand how he could just let me go like he did. He dropped me and began to despise me so quickly. I guess he wasn't who I thought he was.
I thought he was "the one". I thought I had found my husband and I'm sure he thought he'd found his wife. However, neither of us did. I want to be optimistic and say there is a possibility that we'll get back together, but I just know there isn't. He is happy to be by himself now...or so he makes me believe. He has a million girls who would love to be with him. And that's the part that burns me.
Love. It's the impossible thing to conquer. Those who succeed really don't win. They just find a way to manage. I don't quite know if I'm capable of managing with anyone else. We worked for so long. But now I'm figuring out how to let life continue without him. How I'm going to pick back up and live my life. Go on and just be myself. Funny. Strange even, without him.
That's life huh? Throws stuff at you and hopefully you dodge it. I didn't quite dodge the blow, but I'm recovering.
Later kids.
Love.Live.Music
Mwa
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